The Leap
by mercurial2010
Summary: Set just after the crash. Just fangirl squee it's what I would want to happen if we lived in candyfloss land. It's entirely corney - but now it's complete!
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: Just the plot kittens I had to release at 4 am! Seriously this is basically just fangirl squee it's what I would want to happen in the hospital if we lived in candyfloss land. Also I'm kinda breaing canon a bit - no way Amy would go on holiday with Ste ill right?!_

_Two parter (cos we all know I suck at one shots), first kinda angsty and fluffy, the other fluffy and smutty._

_Brendan POV._

_I really love reviews, me ;)_

I sit at your bedside. It's just us now, just you and me, the way you once said you liked it, I know it was a _very_ long time ago. But the selfish part of me still wishes that you will wake up with that smile in your eye and that's what you want, and we are all you want, again. But you're not going to – I know that now, I pulled you back too late and let you find happiness in the arms of another. In the poker game of us I dealt the hand that led you here.

We're being civilised, me and your husband, you'd be proud of us. I guess we've bonded over the shared experience of losing the person we love more than the world, **almost** losing them I have to keep reminding myself - you're not gone, you're just not here right now. And I guess that got me and Doug to realise that what's important in this life is not what you've got but what you could lose. You taught me that. The peace in your heart healed the rift between two enemies - that's who you are. You made Douglas and I start talking again, these are the things you do without even trying. You are capable of anything, never forget that.

You'd see straight through any lie I could try to tell, so I'm not going to say that him and I are friends, or that we're ever going to see each other once this nightmare is over. But small touches and shy smiles led to swaps of coffee and tea and hospital grapes. And he's trusted me enough to leave me alone to guard over you now, when he's gone home for the first time in five days to shower and change and grab some food. I didn't tell him the reason I wanted to be alone with you was so that I can say goodbye. I hope that's OK, I just needed sometime that just belongs to us.

I'm not coming back here, this place that I've not left since I saw your heart stop beating. I'm not going to be around in Chester, don't look for me. I can barely believe I'm leaving you when you're not awake yet, but it's the only way. The doctors have promised that you'll be fine,

"_It's now really just a waiting game till he's well again."_

But we both know I'm not the rightful player. Danger lurks around me, you know that, and you're too good for that. Make your life with Doug. He's not left your side, he's not dropped your hand and he's barely stopped crying. He loves you that much; he has more love to give you than I ever did, ever will do. You have a future to live with him, and for God's sake be happy. If I could ask one thing of you it's that you don't think of me, not at all, not even a little bit, not ever. I never deserved the part of your life I stole, don't give me any more. Don't let me give you any more unhappiness.

Only two days ago I was determined to follow my heart, but I got the direction wrong. If you'd listened the morning of your wedding I would have said I loved you, I would have said in all honesty that I carry you in my heart and I'd have asked you to be mine. But that wouldn't have been right. I would go to the ends of the earth to keep you safe Steven, and that's what I'm doing now. I know now that leaving to Ireland is the closest I've ever gotten to taking my heart's path. You see your happiness is the only thing I want with all my heart, and your happiness will abound if I'm not here.

But I can't go without giving you a piece of me when you have given me so much, when I will be carrying your light in my heart. So I press this cross into your palm, to keep you safe where I have failed, to be my talisman when I vanish.

"Please be happy, my love" I whisper, my voice soft in your ear – because if there are any words I want you to hear me say it is those.

Your cheek is warm and soft against mine, and your closeness is intoxicating. I allow myself one moment of weakness as I stand here over you, place my lips against yours. I leave you like this.

But as I take the step away from your room I hear your voice, you call for me. And I turn around and you're awake. I feel my heart rush with the power of you.

"Leah?" You ask.

"She's fine, she's absolutely fine you saved her… Wait, I'll call the nurse."

XXXXXS&BXXXXXXX

"I phoned Doug, he's on his way," I say as I enter the room and I watch your brow raise, silently questioning my current actions and so many others. "He's your husband he should be here," I offer in explanation, "he's who you should have woken up to."

"I woke up to you," you say, as though it's as simple as that. And you smile, as though there's some prize I've won.

"By chance only Steven, this is the first time he's left your side since you got here."

You nod, thoughtfully. Time pauses and I wish I knew what to say, goodbyes made so much harder as the seconds tick.

"Why do I, why do I have this?" You ask my crucifix looped tightly between your fingers. "It's yours right?"

"It was, I'm giving it to you."

"Why?"

"I was told it brings good luck."

A small laugh falls from your lips, and you cough, your lungs scratching against the smoke and rubble you inhaled. I rush to bring water to your lips – your comfort will always be my only instinct.

"You're the most unluckiest bloke I know!" You joke with a smile that pulls my own.

"I only got everything I deserved," I say with truth, but your eyes darken. "It's time you did too."

"You really believe that don't you? That crap you say about you not deserving anything. It's bullshit."

"It doesn't matter anymore."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I'm starting again, I'm leaving Chester."

You swallow hard, and then you breathe like I've sucked the air from your lungs.

"You could have told me this was goodbye," you say as I bring darkness into your eyes – this is why it was best to leave before you remember.

"This is goodbye," I say turning on my heel.

At the door you call me back.

"Brendan – this is going to sound really stupid now but I have to know before you… earlier, when I was waking up, did you, did you kiss me?"

How could I ever lie to you? I nod slowly, forgive me my love.

"Right and all that stuff you said about love before my wedding, you weren't talking about Doug were you? You were talking about yourself."

"I should have been talking about Doug."

"But you were talking about yourself."

Trust you to be more lucid now, after being in a coma for almost a week, than you ever were before.

"It doesn't matter if I was, Steven. It's Doug who should be here, it's Doug you should be with, he's your husband now."

You smile again, and laugh, and this time it's purer than before and it doesn't hurt.

"Y'know I actually thought that y'know how you didn't come, and you didn't talk about the invite, and you were all weird about it, I actually thought that was mainly cos you were weird about it being a gay wedding."

"Why would you think that?"

"Because it's you! Because you never tell me what's going on in your head, like ever and because I had no idea you were still in love with me," I blink at the tears in your eyes, and you beat them away like they offend you. "Stupid minibuses," you use as an excuse for your tears.

"Bloody stupid minibuses," I agree and you giggle, and the room suddenly feels natural and bright.

I come towards you again, offer you a tissue.

"And stupid weddings," I test and you smile.

After you wipe the tears away you look at me and it's like I'm your sun the way you smile at me brightens your face. You move your legs slightly, offer the corner of your bed to me.

"So, you love me," you say like that knowledge could fight a thousand dragons.

"Doug loves you," I offer you the man we both know you deserve. "He hasn't left the hospital all week."

"And you?" You ask, your eyes' fix on me could almost make me believe that I could deserve another chance.

But it's not comparable, Doug stayed because he chose to - for you. My reasons were purely selfish – I just couldn't leave you.

"Anyway would you stop talking about him? It's getting a bit creepy that! Maybe _you_ should be with him?!"

You say for point and I love the laugh that falls from your lips as I make that face you intended.

"OK, maybe not, still I definitely think I preferred it when you two weren't talking," you look up for my smile. "Besides he did something - it doesn't matter anymore, but he did something I can't forgive. The marriage was over before it ever begun."

"He's good for you."

"OK" You sigh, on the verge of annoyance. "So the way I see it I've got a choice, me. Between a man who just wants my happiness, would do anything, _anything_ to make me happy - including loosing me to somebody else; and a man who just wants me to himself, who's jealous all the time and doesn't trust me enough to let me help out an ex."

"You can't really blame Doug for being wary of me, Steven."

"I can very easily blame him for not trusting me though - that has nothing to do with you, that!" You breathe deep and then your voice comes softer. "And anyway I could put the choice a different way – between a man I've spent the last seven months getting to know who really doesn't know who I am; or one I've been in love with for two years," you tell me and I feel my world open up. Inside your heart I think I could do anything. I hide my smile too late and it cues your hand to find mine against the bed. Your fingers slot between my own, I can't help but look as your touch folds into mine, small and fragile. "The man who knows me better than anyone."

My gaze travels over you, sitting up in bed, and there's strength in your muscles that hasn't been there in too long, but you still look so breakable.

"I've got a couple for you," I offer, "a man who's your safe dependable business partner, to a man who's always been involved in dodgy dealings."

"In the past," you say as though it doesn't matter, "and anyway that same man bought me the business?! And you make safe and dependable sound like a life sentence."

"A man who's ten years your senior, or someone of a similar age."

"Like that even matters."

"One who's hurt you, unforgivably, countless times and one who hasn't."

"In the past again, and don't go thinking Doug's never done anything to hurt me-"

"One who's committed murde-"

"Brendan fuck off already, I'm saying I want to be with you!" You say, interrupting me with this perplexed expression on your face, like you already know everything I am going to say and think I should know your answer. I wonder if you've had this conversation in your head as many times as I.

"All you have to do is decide whether you can let me…only if you say no I want a bloody good excuse! It's my right seeing as I'm in here. Oh and it can't start with D."

"_I._ Think you should be with Doug?!"

You laugh before copying the exact annotations of my speech with your own special twist.

"_I._ Think you should kiss me."

And God it's so tempting, I could pour everything I am into you right now. Kiss you with all the heartache I have inside me, and you'd kiss me back, I know it now. You'd kiss me back and within your touch I'd mend. But for how long? When there is still someone out there who could take the only thing that really matters back. He can still take you back.

"No."

"What?"

"No, not yet."

A small smile sparkles on your soft parted lips.

"So you're saying you will do one day?"

"If you still want me to. But you still need to talk to the man who you married five days ago, and you're still wearing this." I say, bringing his finger to the light, the wedding ring glinting in the light, our futures' bound apart.

"I'll take it off right now if it would help you to stop being an idiot!" You insist.

"Once you've sorted those two things out, and if you still want me, I'd love to take a leap of faith, allow myself one last chance to kiss you."

**Sent messages**

_To Brendan. 5.46pm_

Done it. Talked to Doug and rings off. XX. Don't come back yet though, I don't want to start like this (and I wont be able to see you without starting this – I need my kiss, proper this time ;)). But let me heal, let me get strong enuf 4 u. Going to Birmingham with A and the kids. When I come back, I will go to yours 1st, if you think you'll still want me? Hope that's OK (BTW I'm keeping ur cross!) xxxxxx

_Message sent._

_To Brendan 6.10pm_

If you don't still want me that's OK too.

_!Message sending failed._

_To Brendan 6.15 pm_

Wud suck, a little.

_!Message sending failed._

_To Brendan 6.17 pm_

A lot actually.

_!Message sending failed._

_To Brendan 6.19 pm_

Just you better still want me OK?! xxxx

_!Message sending failed._


	2. Chapter 2

_OK so this is awfully corny but after a hard week is what I needed and hopefully it fits in with the corniness of the first chapter. This thing with the text is always what was supposed to have happened (eight months ago!) I think my plot bunny thought it was funny. I'm sorry it's been such a ridiculously long time in the making and thank you everybody for your patience and motivation to get me to finish the darned thing. _

* * *

"Well that didn't take you very long did it?" The blonde stands in front of me, hands on her hips as two clearly agitated kids pull at her arm. The youngest, the boy, stares straight at me, I've never noticed before how much his eyes are like yours. "You should check out the guiness world record for the amount of times somebody has broken one person's heart – then at least there would be a point."

"Nice to see you too Ms Barnes, care to tell me what you're on about?"

"If you hadn't noticed he's been in a car accident and a coma for five days, I'm sure he would have appreciated you not turning his life into a nightmare the moment he woke up."

"What? Is Steven OK?"

"He'd be fine if you stayed away."

"Is that what he wants?" I say.

I feel my heart sink back to its habitual nothingness, you know I would leave if you asked.

But the slight roll of her eyes lets me know that's the last thing you'd want.

I feel a smile spread across my face like it overtakes my whole being and lights the room – this is the smile that's owned by you.

Amy's eyes narrow, her brow furrowing like she doesn't quite understand the expression I'm pulling – I guess there are very few people who have seen me genuinely happy.

"I know it took a long time to get here." I say regretting every misstep. "But I do love him Amy, and I plan on spending the rest of my life making him trust in that. And you, if you'll let me." I say genuinely because I know she will always safeguard a part of your heart – my ultimate goal.

"And you didn't text him back because?"

"My phone's broken."

There's an eternity of past reasons why she shouldn't believe the truth, I'm glad when she finally nods.

"You better go and see him then."

"Thanks."

As I walk away I hear a little voice ask, "Mummy can I have a moustache like that?"

"Absolutely not Lucas, and no not even when you're a grown up!"

***S&B***

The moment I see you my heart pounds like it had forgotten it's beat, and my lungs fill with oxygen easier than before. In your light I can believe that being alive doesn't have to be hard or remorseless, when I see you I think maybe I could be allowed happiness. You make it feel easy to be me.

I allow myself a moment to stand silently unnoticed, watching you.

The far off look in your eye shows that you're not quite here in this room, and the shine in the haze shows that wherever you are you're happy. It feels almost naive to hope you're your happiness is with me; at the very least I want to learn to take you there. It's then I note the object you're lacing between your fingers, my cross wrapping around each slender digit. A breath misses my lips - . You press the cross to your lips, inhale strongly.

Your lips pull - a smile familiar but long forgotten. It takes a while to place it. It's not that strong and proud smile I've seen you give the world as a mask. It's not that grin I saw you give Doug, surface level like something is missing behind it. It's not that bitter beam I've seen twisted at me too many times. It's the pure and honest one that would grow as we spent hours in bed, that one that would shine if I told you to stay, or refused to leave your bed, or simply wrapped my arm around you. I had forgotten the power of it, it's as if I can see your every cell shine in pure unadulterated happiness. Maybe I can do this; maybe, just possibly, I can be the man you deserve.

Then your eyes flick to your phone and paint themselves dark with worry.

"Hi," I step forward before your features appear too pained.

"Brendan," you say, jumping slightly, surprised to see me. "What the fuck? What happened to your phone?"

"It… broke-"

"What? How?" you looked panicked and I hate causing that look in your eye, so I tell you the truth.

"It, it fell in the toilet!"

And you laugh so loudly it's like you're not hurt and we're both safe and happy for the first time in forever. Your laugh sparkles tears in your beautiful eyes and it's so hard to complain - even with you in hysterics at my misfortune.

"It really isn't that funny, Steven!" I say through a widening smile.

"Oh no it proper is, I've been sitting here thinking all sorts - I've just been in a massive crash I think I deserve to be a little paranoid."

"Like what?"

"Well mainly Walker, or that other bloke – the one you said tried to hurt Joel; or like you look proper knackered so I thought maybe you'd had a crash, or something happened to Chez or somebody else at the wedding, or there had been another fire or explosion or-"

You list all the many misfortunes we've had to climb to get here, and this sudden, intense feeling shivers down my every cell – like I'm lucky.

"I guess we've been through a lot, you and me." I say more to myself than you, but you smile and nod and that lucky feeling flips over me again – I could get used to it. "And we're here on the other side."

You smile at me and it's like you're in love with me. Our fight is nowhere near over, but you remind me how to be strong.

"I guess it's about time something normal happened to us," you laugh.

"Yeah, I did only buy that phone two weeks ago but yeah…" I grumble, but as soon as I misplace the glow from your eye I fight to bring some back. "We're going to have a lifetime of normal, Steven."

You sigh deeply, and your eyes drop from me – darkening.

"I thought maybe you'd change your mind," you speak quietly and although that's the most rational thing you've said since you've been here your eyes look so pained. I guess it's because you know that we could get through everything the world could throw at us, you have faith in the power of us, you always did. I just need to teach you to trust in me.

"Never." I promise you, and that small smile tells me you have hope. "Did you not get my text?"

"No, what did it say?" You ask, genuinely curious, but as always you know the colour of my eyes and beam like an excited puppy, "Brendan?"

It felt a little silly writing it, so it's going to feel even sillier saying it, but I would do anything for you, just please don't tell anyone that you've turned me into a right soppy git.

"That I'd wait for eternity to have you in my arms."

"N'Aaaaw." I've never seen anything more adorable than the blush you give me then, and I make a personal pact to make you do that for eternity.

"It makes sense then?" You ask, your hands twisting together like you're scared of rejection. "I just think we need a fresh start, proper, as equals, no broken bones or businesses, and no stupid ultimatums."

So that's how this is going to work now – you've grown wise on our love and made me your scholar.

"It makes perfect sense," I assure you. And I say the next words because your hands are still wrung together like I might not love you back, and all I want is that spark in your eye . "And I love you for it."

Your gaze catches on mine, sparkling like a jewel more precious than any thief should have, and you give it to me like there's good in me.

"Just for that?!" You tease.

"No, for an eternity besides." I smile back and we stay safe in each other's watch.

Eventually a nurse arrives, looks at your charts, checks you're safe for me. She smiles at me and it's clear she knows what's going on, she knows I'm yours. I feel the scars of others break through our beautiful façade, but I will fight this for you. Stand in the middle of a tornado and I will come for you, just let me learn how to navigate this storm.

Yet, until then, "I better go,"

"Yeah," you nod and I can feel your patience for us travel across the room.

I add, "I'll see you in a month I guess, or"

"Two weeks max.," you say fast, like you can't wait, like the words must trip over themselves for me to hear their true meaning.

I sigh as your words reach for me, your tone rescuing me and I know there's only one thing in the world I should do. Even if there wasn't I couldn't do anything else.

I walk fast towards you and every step patterns your smile.

"What are you doing?" You whisper, your gaze shifts from mine to the nurse.

"I'm sorry I have to kiss you now," I whisper.

Steven, it was supposed to be a peck, a quick embrace, a fleeting promise. But it's you so it's forever more. I am deprived of you and need you back in every sense. My hands clasp your face like you've willed them there and my tongue slips between your lips like you've given me a silent order. I am only your slave, take it easy on me. I press my lips up from yours, unable to tear away. Drag my nose against it's partner's, exposing my mask just for you. I leave my head where it will find eternal rest.

You blink quickly around all the lights in here, like I've left you dizzy. All I want to do is sweep the world from under your feet and carry you away with me

"OK?" I ask.

Your cute little cough makes the nurse giggle.

"Yeah, yep." You nod, forming strength.

Your nerves are shown in the wipe of your hand over your forearm, I haven't seen you do that for a while and I realise it's only me who makes you this nervous. Guilt pounds in my heart but the smile you give is one of forgiveness. I will tend to those scars, just as you silence my monster. We can get through this together.

"Get out of here," you laugh.

I nod, fullfilling your request but half way to the door you call me back, "Bren," your voice is a pattern of nerves and I stop immediately, I will make no step you don't wish for. "Do we have to have a forever of _normal_?" and just like that you tease back normality.


End file.
